So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
