Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
