when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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