i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
