I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
