Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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