you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
