Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
