so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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