last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
