If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
