Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
