I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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