she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
