Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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