dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
