He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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