Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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