Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
