Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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