you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I should be sponsored by Trojan
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
