he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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