i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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