My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
