Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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