i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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