She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
