If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
