My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
