he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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