he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
