I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
