I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
