I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
