totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Of course I have a pirate flag
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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