Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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