M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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