just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
