tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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