I should be sponsored by Trojan
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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