tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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