I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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