Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
