i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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