So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
