I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
