He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize