I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
