My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
