I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
