Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
