Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize