I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
