I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
