She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
