My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
