so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
cat food counts as protein by the way
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
