He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just pee around me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
